Weird looking animal sculptures, grayish blocks in the background reminding of Communist times, and kids way too young to be drinking vodka – that’s the nightmarish reality of Russian playgrounds.
Prepare yourself for a depressing yet equally hilarious journey through some of the most absurd ways one can decorate the playground. Can you tell if this is a strategy to keep children in school or just lack of care towards their needs?
1. The Simplest Way To Ruin A Childhood
Behold, the Russian way of scaring the innocence right out of the hearts of children.
Nothing ruins a mind like the time parents leave their offspring at the hands of the giant coming out from the ground. Even if therapy is successful in convincing you to sleep again at night, chances are your daily commute through the city will always avoid that creepy playground where you first saw the horror.
The two photos are clear to show that the bloodcurdling design is widespread. You will be shocked to know the advantages packed along with those crooked teeth and highly-realistic saliva.
Parents and the government joined hands and understood just how useful it is to them to short-circuit a typical childhood. 5-year-olds are tossing their toys and choosing long shifts in factories just to chase those vivid images away. Both the family budget and the Motherland is thankful for that!
On the next page, there is another sample of an inappropriate playground.
2. Mouse Trap Serves Kids A Harsh Lesson
Russian playgrounds teach children harsh lessons so no wonder they all need vodka therapy sooner or later.
Halfway around the globe, American kids grow up enjoying “Tom and Jerry,” a cartoon that rarely goes graphical and in which the two protagonists are alive and well at the end of each episode.
Russian toddlers are less lucky. Not only do they have to watch state propaganda instead of cartoons, but almost all playgrounds have that one statue of a rat caught in a trap.
Just imagine passing by this monument of death each and every day. The futility of life hits them hard and prepares them for a sad existence enduring the Siberian cold and reading Dostoyevsky novels.
The next kind of playgrounds is the worse.
3. Perfect Set For A Horror Movie
You could swear that some Russian playgrounds are intended to nurture local criminals rather than fully-functional adults.
Call us insensitive towards folk tales, but there is something truly disturbing about a bear hugging a little girl. How could you grow up to be normal when a split wooden doll stares at you with its hollow eyes? Hell, it even lost its nose, and the red paint makes you think of sickening brutality.
Nothing can prepare you for the nightmarish playground where children are supposed to have fun supervised by monkey heads. Hollywood directors pay millions to recreate such crime-inspiring setups. Someone should tell them that moving production on Russian soil can be a serious money-saver.
Just imagine wandering at night and discovering the fifth head with your flashlight. Even worse, imagine a seasoned serial killer putting on display a vernissage of his trophy room right next to those monkeys.
The next Russian playground is one of nightmares.
4. How To Train Your Dragon
Four-year-old Anastasia always dreamt about riding on the back of a dragon.
You are wrong in supposing she watched “Game of Thrones” and fantasized to become a Khaleesi one day. No, her imagination is limited to the concrete monster that lies abandoned in the St. Petersburg playground she visits every day.
The beast apparently saw better days, and a fresh paint job would give it new life. We can’t stop thinking that the artist imagined a dragon who hadn’t pooped for ages.
The dragon looks even more depressing because it lies covered in snow almost all year round. That’s not something to be proud of when you are supposed to spit fire through your mouth.
Check out where Russian children are forced to play!
5. Creepy Slides Makes Playground Unsafe For Kids
Russians hate standard playgrounds, and they would do anything to break the routine.
Nevertheless, not giving a second thought to the places meant to entertain children can have disastrous consequences. Just think of the parents that had the difficult task of explaining why the municipality replaced the old slides with a hobo lying across the playground with its feet wide open.
As for the photo below, it forever ruined the beautiful story of Pinocchio. Not only the beloved character shows signs of rust (he was supposed to be made of wood), but he sits like a child that lost all hope in life and stares at the void left behind.
Scientists are trying in vain to link the epidemic of mental illnesses with the creepy playgrounds were children dwell. Russian authorities are firm in their belief that having a nightmarish childhood builds strong characters.
Check out the next depressing Russian playground!
6. Tell Me Again About Your Awful Childhood
No childhood is perfect.
However, sprinting to catch the bus or dealing with that one teacher that always mispronounced your first name is nothing compared to the horrors seen on Russian playgrounds.
Concrete artists are a rare breed of people that stand no chance in creating something appropriate for children. That creepy face is not enough to give life to a sculpture that rather depicts a pedophile than a right companion for kids of all ages.
Obviously, it can get even worse. Just think of the poor children that played in the sand alongside wooden bees the size of a pig.
Add the desolated landscape of most Russian towns, and you begin to understand why authorities didn’t bother to build better playgrounds.
Creepy playgrounds become even more unsettling in the night.
7. Night Makes Russian Playground Look Worse
Installing creepy art is a blueprint for disaster.
Just imagine you are a toddler, attempting your first night-time adventure unsupervised by parents. You make contact with such creatures spitting light from their eyes. What would you do? Even the bravest 10-year-old would pee its pants and run home to mommy.
Let’s give extra points to the dog made from scrap metal. The mouth is roughly chiseled out from the pipe and can make such a nocturnal encounter realistic. This dog bite will give you tetanus for sure!
Forget about stray dogs sneaking behind children. This one waits for its prey silently in the dark.
Check out a disturbing animal found on almost every Russian playground.
8. The Russian Obsession With Cheburashka
Cheburashka is a national symbol of Russia and a clear choice as playground companion for children.
Nevertheless, the popularity of Cheburashka also means it was copied widely, sometimes by woodworkers with no sense of what is appropriate for a child to see. The crudely chopped wooden Cheburashka looks like an intergalactic visitor you would rather shoot than embrace.
Cheburashka with his white eyes appears as a ruler of the underworld that came to claim a fair dose of human souls to torment. As for the reinforcement visible at the lower end, it probably gave children premature trust issues on everything.
Check out crude animals kids shouldn’t see!
9. Scary Creatures Shouldn’t Belong In The Playground
We desperately leafed through our zoology books trying to figure out what those crazy Russians depicted with such vivid colors. It was pointless.
All we managed to understand was why Russians have a hard time keeping a smile on their face. When you’ve spent your entire childhood contemplating such creepy beasts, you end up seeing your life as a pointless circus.
With their mouth wide open and eyes popping out of their sockets, the creatures create obsessions that last a lifetime. Nostalgia made that woman ignore the hoard of toddlers waiting their turn to be eaten alive.
Check out the next awful playgrounds!
10. Designers Smoked Something To Pull These Out
When Russian playgrounds don’t rely on ugly and depressing animals to make children cry, you can bet your ass they go even further exploring the dark side of human nature.
For the casual observer, Thomas the Tank Engine rolling on its side might be a clear sign that the designer smoked smoothing before getting to work. However, a closer inspection reveals this is nothing more than a mockery of Western culture, which is seen here falling off its track.
Can you imagine retracing your steps back home after pumping too much vodka into your bloodstream? The unusual playground would appear to you as either a sign you can now warp reality as you please or a sign that last’s night heavy boozing left some permanent brain damage.
Whatever the case might be, consider the fact that kids are supposed to play there and not lose their minds in the process.
Check out the next lousy playgrounds that badly need a makeover!
11. Come Play With Us!
Even creepy playground art can entice children, although we would need a fully-fledged psychiatrist to explain why.
You could say something is wrong with your kid if he/she sits on a bar that impales two stone rhinos. What is uncomfortable for the bottom is made even more disturbing by the fact that the two crude statues stare right through you.
The lumberjack who attempted to make the forest playground less depressing for his small children failed miserably. Rasputin sitting on a raft with three evil birch bunnies is unsettling for both the eyes and the soul.
If Russian playgrounds have one thing in common is that they all scare kids away. And you still wonder why they embrace chess. Obviously, they take the mind-grinding sport to sooth the pain away.
On the next page, you get to see another sample that Russian playground artists are far from being normal.
12. Stoner Animals
Again, intoxicated artists are the only plausible explanation for playgrounds that explore psychedelic visions.
Turning used tires into something the kids would appreciate really pushes the envelope (or anvelope, if you like word puns). As for the rabbit, the unknown creator wanted to paint the face of pure ecstasy. We wonder if kids go crazy themselves at times and caress that white tummy of his.
Below are additional samples of why Russian children grow up to become odd individuals. A part of their brain stopped functioning the moment they saw the stoner pig playing with a sand bucket or the cat who had an agonizing vision about the sense of life.
What makes such playground monstrosities even more dangerous is that they eventually blend in and children take them as landmarks.
“Hey, Vlad, meet me by the crazy cat at 5 P.M!”
Check out some of the worse samples of Russian playground art!
13. Awkward Pigs
Awkward looking pigs starring back at confused 3-year-olds is the reason Russians show no mercy towards these animals when they butcher them on Christmas Eve.
Playground artisans typically fail at their jobs in two ways. The first photo shows rudimentary sculptures that are so ambiguous you need to refer to philosophy books to get them right.
At the opposite side of the spectrum, you have pigs so realistic kids start chewing on them without thinking twice. The one on the right apparently lost its ear to a raid of hungry children that haven’t seen meat since Putin started rationing food to pay Russia’s external debt.
The next playground characters are utterly horrible! But they do serve a purpose.
14. Children Learn That Adults Are Creepy
Let’s take a moment to praise the realism of Russian playgrounds.
While Westerners are kept inside a bubble of happiness and perfection throughout their early years, Russia’s youth gets a primer on the disturbed individuals society puts in your way.
Behold, the evil babushka that spits in your soup when you complain it is too sour. You should also get to know the evil nurse that pushes that needle all the way down just to make you hurt.
Moving on to other playgrounds, lucky children meet a standardized representation of the local strangler every small Siberian city has. Alas, you are forced to make eye contact with that creepy man that gives all little girls a 101 in bulimia.
Some Russian playgrounds are simply ridiculous.
15. Slide Explains Elephant Digestion
Little Boris was a bit confused the first time he rode the elephant slide.
He climbed inside the mighty beast’s mouth and exited through the slide. The kid couldn’t understand why his older peers laughed at him and called him a little turd.
As far as we see it, the mastermind who built this attempted to give an educational value to the otherwise mindless fun children have nowadays. His take was on the miracle of digestion, although the crude simplification makes it all worthless.
We can only hope he invested more time in crafting the insides of the elephant. Crimson would have worked great to color the organs and tubes a kid has to go through before seeing the light of day again.
Just don’t ask why Russian children switch from milk to vodka from an early age.
Playgrounds shouldn’t be like the next one on our list!
16. And They Still Wonder Why Kids Worship Satan
Things get really bizarre when playground artists are high enough on their drugs to depict Satan himself.
How could public authorities approve such things in the first place? Do they show no respect to the probability of children joining satanic cults after having so much fun accompanied by the demon? Hands down if this is a strategy on offering the little ones a jump start on the rhetoric of Good and Evil.
At least according to homicide detectives, the hellish playground is a tragedy waiting to happen. The story of Cain and Abel can easily get a modern re-enactment once a toy feud goes awfully wrong.
Nothing is more inappropriate for children than a wooden sculpture of Satan starring in their eyes as they enjoy the merry go round. That’s a textbook method for creating serial killers that start their vicious acts early in life.
Let’s conclude with the worst possible location for a playground.
17. A Playground For The Afterlife
A couple of theories can work to explain why those nutjob Russians built playgrounds right next to cemeteries.
Is this a leftover from Communist urban planning that paid no respect to common sense? Or maybe it is a malicious reminder that once your years of playing carelessly in the sun are over adulthood is just a fall towards the grave. Life is short, and the Russian philosophy on that topic is hard to crack.
Is it possible that we get the whole thing wrong? Maybe the playground was there from the very beginning and the cemetery evolved around as a result of the numerous fatal accidents. Go too fast down that slide, and you earn yourself an early ticket to eternity.
You don’t want to be the kid stuck there at nightfall! Ghosts suck at being good playmates and watching those swings move by themselves as you run away through the tombstones is bone chilling.